When to protect, when to let the little bird fly

I had another topic picked out all week, and then some stuff happened so you are getting this instead. Maybe next week you'll get that other one because it's pretty good too.

 

Let me start by saying for the bulk of this post I'll be on my high horse a little bit. I totally understand if you don't want to join me there or if your opinion is different than mine. But if your kid picks on my kid about it, we just might have a bit of a problem. Just saying.

 

As I'm sure all parents do, we have rules in our house about things that are acceptable to say, shows that are acceptable to watch, and ways that are acceptable to treat people. The opposite of that is also true, we have shows that we don't watch, things we don't say, and ways we aren't supposed to treat people. Yes all of these rules are sometimes broken but we try really hard to stick to them.

 

When my oldest was 4, he was shown a "scary" PG-13 movie at a neighbor's house. I was appalled, but then realized that even from a very young age I couldn't control all he saw and heard. We started working to explain why we have our set of family rules. We tried to give the kids power over their choices as they've grown up. And power to say to their friends, this show is inappropriate because of ________, can we watch something else. The system isn't perfect but it appeared for the most part to be working.

 

Enter the second part of the equation. We live in a small mostly homogenous community that roots very vocally for a single college sports team and a single political party. I attended the rival college and lean toward the other political party. In groups I mostly keep my opinions about these two things to myself. At home we root for both teams (but wear red during the rivalry game), and talk openly about our views of both political parties. I think it is very important to speak kindly about all people, and treat others with respect. So kindness and respect is often addressed when speaking of either of these issues.

 

So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that last year when one of the kids drew pictures of both sports teams logos on his "about me" poster he'd be teased. I didn't expect him to be told he was stupid and his poster was ugly. And I guess that I shouldn't be surprised that after a kid at school was saying unkind things about the President, my kid would say "We don't agree with all of his decisions, but he is a nice man and we should treat him with respect." And then be made fun of for saying that.

 

When he came home to explain what had happened at school, I tried to be empathetic (after all the exact same things had happened to me, I understood how he felt). But what do I say, ignore the things that hurt your feelings? Don't stand up for yourself or your beliefs? Don't talk about it at all? None of these things seemed right to teach him. We tried to talk about sometimes people say mean things and continue with the mantra of we treat everyone with kindness and respect even if we don't agree with them, but even that didn't feel quite right either.

 

A little time went by and I begin to think maybe we've sort of got this thing figured out. But enter Wednesday . . . . In the middle of getting ready for homework, and laundry, and spelling lists, etc. I end of having a great grumpy angry conversation with this same kid. He's upset about something, which isn't the thing I'm talking to him about, but I can't get through to him. So I do the mature thing and send him to his room until he can not be grumpy anymore. And then I call his dad. I plead with my husband to spend a few minutes talking to his son to see if the two who think alike can figure out what is really going on. Then I hand the phone to my son. After five minutes, they've figured it out.

 

My kid is 10, he is in 5th grade. He has lots of great friends. He also wants to be friends with the popular kids. The popular kids are mean, but he still wants to be their friend. As I didn't figure this thing out until after I got married, I can't expect it to not effect my 10 yr old. The basic story is this -  "everyone" at school has seen a certain movie that he isn't allowed to see. It isn't a bad movie. We even own it, but I feel it is too adult for 10 yr olds, and my kids aren't allowed to watch it yet. Also "everyone" is allowed to play certain video games that aren't allowed at our house, mostly for the same reason as above. My kid is getting teased because I won't allow him to do things.

 

I'm a parent to my kids. I feel like I know them, and what they can handle watching, reading, playing. My husband and I try really hard to explain our decisions (though sometimes the standard "because I said so" is used too). I want to protect my innocent kids from all the stuff out there in the world. I also know that eventually they'll live the nest and have to fly on their own. And that eventually is coming much faster than I'd like.  

 

My husband and son talk for a few more minutes about why we don't allow those things. My son is able to see and understand and then tells my husband. Well after I told them, "They were dumb and I didn't have to watch those things." I felt better. So he shouldn't have called them dumb, but I felt good that he found power in making his own choice. Maybe my little bird is ready to face a little of the world. I'm still going to protect him. I also have faith that when he is ready he can make good choices and fly just fine all on his own.