I've been up since 5:30am this morning, when I should have been blissfully sleeping because I have an very busy day followed by an extremely fun night with friends tonight. And I was specifically told to get a good night sleep so as to actually be able to enjoy the extremely fun night with friends after the very busy day. Still following? Good. I'm not a morning person and usually have no problem sleeping through my husband getting ready and leaving for work, various children's noises as they entertain (or fight amongst) themselves, anything on TV, and more. But today the voices in my head just wouldn't leave me alone.
This week has been pretty momentous. #1 got his braces off and #3 had her first medical attention worthy spill. Sadly it was about the 90th time this week #3 had fallen into something, but this time she decided to catch herself with her face instead of her hands. It's always fun when the little neighbor kid has to ring the doorbell to tell you that your kid is bleeding up the street. Luckily she'll survive (for now). There was also a funeral to help with and critique group to attend. The kids were sorting the last of the toy room toys and we scrubbed walls to get ready to paint today. We're still working on learning to ride bikes, which just seems like a lot of running in the heat for mom. And all the other things that must be done to keep the house in a manageable state.
Needless to say I haven't sat down to write anything this week. Other that this blog post I most likely won't get anything written this week at all. This kind of bugs me.
My brain is very logical. I like lists and schedules and answers. To be able to write I have to shut off the dominate part of my brain. In the middle of or after a busy day, this can be difficult. Notice that I didn't say morning, because again not a morning person. I rarely have brain function at all before 9am and here I am typing away at 7:30. Go figure. So as I lay in bed this morning, the voices in my head asked "Are you really a writer, when you aren't writing?"
I wrote seriously for over a year before I told anyone other than my husband (and my super supportive ward writer's group) what I was doing. Then I got brave. People I hadn't seen in a while would ask what I had been up to and I'd say something about writing a book. Or attending a writer's conference. Or what I'd done at writer's group that month. The problem came in the followup questions. Are you published? Can I read it? When are you going to be finished so I can read it? Since the answer to all these questions was "No." I wasn't so excited to tell people anymore. The problem is writing is something I'm excited about. I just wasn't sure how to explain it to people, because I wasn't even sure how to explain what I was doing to myself.
I have friends that are prolific writers, but I'm not that. I have friends who have great ideas but never do anything with them, but I'm not that either. Here is what I am. I'm writing a book of fiction about a mom. I'm writing it, because I read many books about being a mom that I've thrown across the room. Not one made me feel better about my current state. All of them made me feel guilty I wasn't doing more. My book is about an imperfect mom, who realizes its okay to be imperfect. It took me 2 years to decide it was fiction and to give my mom a name (it's Emily btw) and write the first 10 pages. It took me 8 months to write the next 10. And it took 6 weeks to write to the point I'm at now. So in about 3 years I've written 30 pages. But they are 30 pages that I love. And they have purpose (I've got a nifty outline too). I know where the story is going and I'm getting better at being to write when I want to, not just when I have a super wonderfully awesome idea. It's a journey I started in the 3rd grade with a magical flying treasure chest. One that I hope will never end. Maybe someday you'll visit this blog and see I published this book that I love, maybe not. For now, I'm content to be changing my own life as I learn. And when its finished I promise I'll post bits here so you can fall in love with it too.
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